HOCICO Interview with "Erik Garcia" & "Oscar Mayorga" at SoundShock.com

Lujhboia - I Hate And You Haven't Realised Yet

Say Just Words - My Final

Now this is what Aggrotech from South America- hell, any continent- is all about. I think even the big names in the scene could take a cue from this guy- excellent work.

SATURDAYS AT CHARLIE'S: Bronson in 'Messenger of Death' (1988)

I'm not promising anything, but I'm going to try to make every Saturday (or every other Saturday) a Charles Bronson night. I just love the guy, and I thought this would be a fun way to go back over some of the great (and not-so-great) movies he did in his long career- this will coincide with my Bronson Amazon completion project, so everytime I get ahold of an old Bronson flick on vhs or dvd for cheap enough, the review will follow shortly. Tonight, I thought I'd quickly go over one of Bronson's more underrated features, 'Messenger of Death.'

If you go into 'Messenger of Death' expecting 'Death Wish IV: The Crackdown' or any of Bronson's more over-the-top 80s output, I can see how you'd be disappointed. However, if you just let go of any preconceptions of what this should be and want to enjoy an above-average thriller, then you'll probably like it much more. This isn't a shoot-'em-up or revenge flick (in the usual sense, anyway) in the traditional sense, but Bronson running around with pad and pencil trying to get answers. He doesn't blow up bad guys with rocket launchers, kill punks in break-dancing gear with big game hunting guns, or eat cabbage soup with old people; he travels around Colorado trying to get answers from Mormons and uncover big, bad corporate conspiracies involving the water company. That said, this is still pretty good Bronson, and seeing Charlie do his thing here makes me even more befuddled that people nowadays think you can replace Bronson with a guy like Jason Statham in, of all roles, 'the Mechanic.' What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, if you've seen 'Kinjite' or '10 to Midnight,' then expect more that type of film- definitely not as fun as a classic like 'Murphy's Law,' but if you need your Bronson fix, this should be your ticket.

DUDAPALOOZA: 'Midnight Ride' (1990)

A dark, murder-filled road trip movie in the spirit of 'The Hitcher' and 'Halloween," 'Midnight Ride' manages to be-paradoxically- one of Michael Dudikoff's darkest films, but also an unintentional comedy thanks largely to the "hammy" Mark "Ham"ill (Star Wars) (okay, okay, lame sense of humor).

The plot of the movie is as follows: Michael Dudikoff plays a guy named Lawson Markman (cool name, huh?), who gets in an argument with his Russian mail order wife (or whatever she was supposed to be), and she runs out on him, and he swears up and down that he'll "have every cop in this city lookin' for you!" in a very creepy way, and spends most of the film chasing after her. While driving, Russian bride Lara picks up the unstable drifter, Justin (Mark Hamill), who is on his way to see his "best friend." Justin likes to take pictures of things with his polaroid camera. He also likes cutting out people's eyeballs and making it into a beautiful necklace for Lara; he also finds time to set a few people on firel. Along the way, people are strapped to car hoods, eyeballs are cut out, and shoot outs supposed to look "dark" and "scary" are dulled because of completely inappropriate 80s action synthesizer music.

Man, this one was hard. Once again, it's got a lot going for it because of the Dudikoff factor. On the other hand, it's a very different role for him (most of the movie). To be honest, his character is kind of a dick most of the time. I spent much of the first half of the movie wondering who the villain was, Hamill or Dudikoff. I don't know if the script wanted him to come off as passionate and Stanley from 'Streetcar,' but he more just came off as creepy and obsessed like one of those guys who tracks down his wife and kills them or something. That's just my take. Of course, by the end of the movie, he's just plain old likable Mikey, and he saves the day as always. He takes a lot of punishment from Hamill in this- in one scene, he's strapped to the hood of a car while Hamill drives maniacally. He's stabbed, thrown into shit, and just getting his ass kicked (in addition to having a broken foot), and that was kind of hard to swallow, because it's Dudikoff. But anyways.

In all honesty, Mark Hamill steals the show from everyone. He's deliciously cheesy as the crazy Justin, and seems to kill somebody every 10 minutes or so. I guess he was going for a crazy guy who strikes terror into people's hearts, but I just found it more hilarious than anything else. He dresses up like every other scene and is always snapping photos. His facial expressions are almost as hilarious as Dudikoff's at some points, and that's just as important here as the physical: this was a showdown of the faces. I loved the bad, cheesy "evil" faces Hamill made almost as much as Dudikoff's vacant, worried expressions.

'Midnight Ride' is only on VHS, so it might be tough for you to find. Hardcore Dudikoff fans will find it well worth their while. It's a different film for our boy, Duds, but, thankfully, he ditches the creepy "obsessed husband" deal and is just the same big, lovable, "Dudarosa style house" designing, goofball we all know and root for by the end.

'Enter the Ninja' (1981)

When I was a kid I used to love these types of movies. Movies like 'Revenge of the Ninja,' 'Pray for Death,' and this one were all regular staples of my weekend viewing. I had ninja toys, ninja outfits, and daydreamed about ninjas at school. If it had Sho Kosugi or Jackie Chan, I was watching it. 'Enter the Ninja' is largely regarded as one of the films that started the ninja craze in the 80s (and spawned several indirect sequels). It is directed by Menahem Golan, who, along with his cousin, formed the nucleus of the great exploitation studio Cannon films, which gave us a decades worth of awesome fare involving ninjas, Chuck Norris, and Michael Dudikoff.

Franco Nero stars as the ex-Army guy turned ninja Cole, who travels to the Philippines to help his buddy out, who is having trouble with some local unscrupulous businessmen who want him to sell his land. Along the way, Cole saves the day and manages to show himself an honorable ninja by banging his friend's so very hot wife, Mary Ann (Susan George)- to be honest, his friend was practically begging him to, since he "couldn't get it up" for her, due to his recent binge drinking and all. The interplay between Cole (who sports a sweet 'stach) and Mary Ann is hilarious: in one scene, Mary Ann is stroking a big shotgun while staring him down, and asking him if he wants to "come" into town with her in another. Not to be outdone, our hero asks, while being frisked, if she found "anything interesting" down there.

Sho Kosugi co-stars in this; he plays a baddie who isn't really a baddie, just jealous of Cole and overzealous for honor. He's duped by the baddies into thinking he's doing the right thing but he realizes his mistake at the end. Kosugi also choreographed everything- and for an early 80s film, it's typical action, probably on par with Gymkata or the latest Chuck Norris.

The bad guy, played by Christopher George, is very funny in this, and is constantly overacting, raising his voice, and berating his assistant Mr Parker that he "wants his ninja too!" like a 4 year old.

I'd say that this is one of the beginnings of the Cannon formula, one that would propel Golan-Globus to incredible heights into the 80s. If you had a Ninja fest of some kind, this would definitely be included, along with 'American Ninja' and 'Pray for Death.'

'Point Blank' (1998)- w/ Danny Trejo and Mickey Rourke

I'm a big Mickey Rourke guy. He was always one of my favorite actors growing up ('Year of the Dragon' was so off the chain), and even after he became somewhat of a punchline for movie goers (there was a time when Mickey Rourke's name would get mentioned and people would bust out laughing spontaneously), he was still a cool brother in my book. I realize he's making a comeback as of late, and that inevitably involves distancing himself from bullshit like this that he made in the 90s. 'Point Blank' was one of those movies I missed, but I wasn't surprised that he made this, seeing as he co-starred as the head baddie in Jean Claude Van Dammes 'Double Team'around the same time.

This movie was a cringe-inducing shit-fest which I wanted to see solely for the Rourke factor. It sees a 'roided out Rourke as a guy named Rudy Ray, a guy who used to be in the Marine Corps, then quit the Texas Rangers, and now spends most of his time taking growth hormones and working in the hot sun of his ranch. Rudy's brother Joe(played by Kevin Gage), escapes from prison, and now he and a bunch of convicts go hog wild in a Forth Worth, Texas shopping mall. Rourke sneaks into the mall to save his brother before his antics get him hurt.

Rourke, perhaps the finest actor of the Reagan years, speaks maybe 20 lines the entire movie, spending most of his time silently dispensing of baddies like a wannabe John Matrix, complete with Commando vest and that knife that shoots the blade out. Mickey is one of those actors who can make even the poorest material interesting, and he always stands out. Not so here, it's almost as if he's embarrassed to be in this (and can you blame him?), and he doesn't say a lot or really do a whole lot, like he wanted to blend in with the background. In real life, he's a bonafide tough guy- a boxer and Chihuahua enthusiast. He's never came off like a true action hero to me though, and the material of 'Point Blank' doesn't leave him with much to work with except slit bad guys' throats and have completely inappropriate 10 minute emotional scenes with his shot brother in a sewer tunnel.

Because he doesn't do much, he ends up being upstaged in every way by the brilliant and hammy performance of Danny Trejo, who plays the maniacal rapist/murderer Wallace.

Trejo had all the best scenes: from the very beginning, when the convicts get to the Fort Worth shopping mall, he smacks this chick in the face with the butt of his shotgun for no reason; he's constantly sticking his face in blow, and comes up all powdery, like some bad comedy sketch. One of the hostages is this stripper chick who wants some coke, so they both retire to this shower area, and she's all dancing on this pole while Trejo gets all coked out and his nose is all white, all the while cheesy 80s sax/synthesizer music is in the background. When his fellow convicts are worried about the hostage situation, Trejo takes the now topless stripper chick, shouts at the cops, shoots her in the head, and throws her off a balcony. He shouts shit like "Hey! Where are you going with my bitch?!" and "Hey! Fats!" before blowing away this old fat lady hostage and she falls in the wishing fountain. He also has this great shootout with Mickey Rourke where he gets all covered with all kinds of paint, and he's all shirtless and stuff. He does all this while laughing maniacally and making evil faces the entire time (not to mention snorting an entire brick of cocaine), and the result is cinematic gold (for his scenes, at least).

The movie itself is a typical B, DTV, paint-by-numbers 'Die Hard'/'Con Air' rip-off, and the supporting characters and baddies are just as generic: it seems every convict here besides Trejo was in the wrong place at the wrong time; the Texas cops are stupid and a waste, even though one of them is named 'Hardwood.' The chick, Tracy (Nina Sawell) is pretty hot, but she doesn't hook up with anybody, and all she does is give Trejo's gun a blow job and bond emotionally with the wimpy thief convict. I'd say the production quality of this was just a little above that of 'Chained Heat 2,' and that's not saying much. Everything looked cheap, badly lit, and nobody except Trejo looked like they wanted to be there.

I can't really recommend this, but Danny Trejo was pretty hilarious, so you might wanna take a chance and put it on the Roku box for that. But otherwise, pass.

Die Braut - Crucificado

A female Hocico from Chile?! Yes, please! 'World of Lies'- what a great album!

'Forced Vengeance' (1982)

Helmed by 'The Enforcer' director James Fargo, 'Forced Vengeance' is a typical early 80s revenge flick starring Chuck Norris as Josh Randall, a guy employed as a casino security guard, and who thinks he has a penchant for narrating his own life and the shenanigans he gets mixed up in.

Josh is a good guy, an ex special ops/vietnam vet dude (what else?) who now lives in Hong Kong and works for a father and son who own a casino. Poor Josh does a good job, but people seem to enjoy messing with and stepping on his precious cowboy hat, and this doesn't make him very happy. There are much roundhouse kicks to the face when this happens. When his employers are killed by rival casino owners (!), Josh goes on a systematic rampage through the streets of HK, and kicks the shit out of the baddies wearing the tightest Chuck Norris action jeans you can buy.

Wow, remind me that I DO NOT want to go to work in the casino security business in Hong Kong, what with the rival owners killing each other all the time. Like I said, this was a typical film for the time (think 'Pray for Death,' 'the Octagon,' 'Enter the Ninja'), and the action is quite brutal with much red paint. Norris totally blows as an actor, but all we really wanna see him do at the end of the day is roundhouse kick people in the face while wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots, and we're not let down here.

Lots of deaths, blood, brutal rape, and slow, sloppy fights- it seems like almost everyone but Chuck dies in this-, but I still found this enjoyable enough to stay awake. Not much to chuckle at really, except for Chuck dressing up in his soldier outfit at the end. Him narrating his own life was a nice touch too. I just wish there was something more redeeming to recommend this for, like Chuck saving a puppy in the rain in slow motion; but alas, no. Maybe the bad fight scene at the end where the baddie is fighting Chuck with the toilet he ripped out of the floor? Hmmm... Okay, there was lots to chuckle at here.

You couldn't make this movie today, really. To quote Dean Devlin, the 80s was like "the wild west for action movies," you could get away with anything; and you're not gonna see stuff like this in a Statham or Bourne movie.

Overall, 'Forced Vengeance' wasn't as boring as some of his other late 70s/early 80s crap, but if you like this type of movie, I'd recommend 'Lone Wolf McQuade' or 'A Force of One' instead, which are the high marks for his early stuff. This was about a year or two before the Cannon (read: golden) years, so viewer beware if you're looking for an 'Invasion USA' or 'Code of Silence' caliber bad action movie.

'Full Impact' (1993)

Gary Daniels has been in fare that ranges from pretty decent to astonishingly crappy. While this is one of his weaker efforts, it's nowhere near the caliber of bullshit like 'Black Friday.'

'Full Impact', aka 'American Streetfighter 2', is "no budget" in the strictest sense of the term: it looks like they filmed without audio syncronization and dubbed it later- and I'm not joking. People's mouths move, but the words spoken on screen don't match. This does make for some chuckles, especially the voice of the guy playing Daniels' cop friend telling him to stay out of the case. You almost feel they were making up the story as they went along, and wrote much of the dialog later. The camera work is often murky, out of focus, and shaky. As for the acting and story- it ranges from mediocre to just terrible. I have a theory that the people who fund these Gary Daniels movies put most of the meager budget they had into creating decent-looking video covers (and that says something about how bad this movie looks and feels), hoping to sucker the bad DTV kickboxing Tom, Dick and Jane into renting it. The covers of 'Black Friday' and 'Firepower' kind of confirm this in my mind.

'Full Impact' starts with a truly laughable kata performed by Daniels at various locations, like the train tracks and at the public park. I hate to keep telling you I'm serious, but I am. It's that bad. From the beginning, this movie never lets up in the unintended hilarity. Daniels is a bounty hunter now, but he was a cop until about four years previous when he had a bad run in with the serial killer he was chasing. Now, the serial killer has been gone, but still haunts Daniels' waking hours and his dreams. He sees a psychiatrist, and the exchanges between the two are pretty funny. But I think they were supposed to come off as serious. Unfortunately for our hero, the serial killer has resurfaced, and he must team with his old cop buddy to solve the case before more hookers die. Daniels walks around with this Cowardly Lion mane of long hair and is usually dressed like he just got back from the gym and the director just said "Whatever! Start rolling!" In fact, this entire movie looks like some bad super 8 project for a community college film class, and Daniels was trying to pad his resume.

This film was made to showcase two things: flying fists and feet, and hooker boobies. Lots of 'em. And it delivers. It is trashy, but naively charming at the same time for some sick reason. You get to see a lot of sensual massage practitioners meet their demise with their breasts hanging out, and that's not too shabby. Even though it was tedious at times, I can't call this all that bad. The action, though primitively choreographed and shot, wasn't too bad, and Daniels and some of his co-stars can definitely move.

I wouldn't recommend this unless you're a Daniels completist, or a total masochist. I enjoyed this for what it was, but that doesn't mean you will. I think 'Full Impact' is one of those movies you can only enjoy if bad movies are "in the blood," so to speak. You really need to be acclimated to them. There is better Gary out there (I promise!), like 'White Tiger' and 'Firepower.'

'Guaranteed On Delivery (G.O.D.) (2000)

Here's a prime example of priorities being out of whack. You have Oliver Gruner and Jahlal Merhi in the same movie. Oliver Gruner is a very good martial artist- he's after all, a former French marine, champion kickboxer, and for 120 bucks, you can have one hour of personal fitness training with him-, and a convincing leading man. Jahlal Merhi looks and talks more like the guy behind the counter of your local Iranian convenience store or Jewelry shop (Merhi is a a jeweler in real life), a guy who has zero discernible martial arts skills and looks like he sleepwalks through his lines. Who do we cast in the lead? Jahlal Merhi, of course.

For the "normies" out ther, Jahlal Merhi and Oliver Gruner are two of the original poor man's Jean Claude Van Dammes (in Merhi's case, he's also known somewhere as "Beirut's Steven Seagal" LOL). To team up these two titans of DTV cinema had to happen eventually, and it does, here in 'G.O.D.' and the Circuit movies. Where could you go wrong pitting these formidable opponents- the French kickboxer turned personal trainer and the Iranian jewelry store owner turned movie producer? Unfortunately, the results are anything but 'Point Break' explosive.

Merhi plays Ray Stanton. Ray used to be a cop in his country, but the movie opens with him lamenting to his wife about how he has been forced to be a security guard now. His wife really wants to bring him a tuna fish sandwich at work, and she gets killed in the gun fight at the beginning of the movie by Gruner and his boys. Because of the chaos, David Carradine has to take Rays gun. Flash forward five years later, Ray has started a delivery company called Guaranteed on Delivery (G.O.D.). He is hired by the very same goons who killed his wife to unknowingly transport this model chick Gruner has stuck in a trunk to her human slavery ring buyers. He finds out the truth, gets the chick out and delivers a tree trunk instead. Now, along with Carradine's help, Merhi has to get the girl to safety before Gruner figures out the switch and delivers a beat down on their sorry asses.

I complain about Merhi being the lead, but I can sort of (only sort of) understand it. Despite being a former French cop, his character is supposed to be an everyman of sorts. After his wife's death, Ray now- literally- lives in a van down by the river because "roots hurt like hell" when he's lifted out of them. He also banks at the local urine stained tunnel because "locals think it's haunted," wisely keeping his rolled up hundreds in a coffee can in a hole in the wall of the tunnel. I haven't seen a Merhi film in years, and this garbage is permeated with his sense of humor. Now I'm starting to remember how bad 'Fearless Tiger' was back in the day. Repressed shitty movie memories come back to haunt me.

This is just bad, guys. I mean, it makes 'Tiger Claws III' look astounding in comparison. For a DVD that has three guys with heavy firepower on the cover, there are maybe two weak shoot-outs the whole film. The rest is weakly choreographed fist fights sprinkled here and there all from Merhi himself. There are lots of people who don't believe Jahlal is trained in martial arts, and I'm almost prone to believe them after watching this.

If you're a David Carradine fan, he's only here for maybe 15 minutes tops (in his defense though, he wanted Merhi to finish up the bad guys quickly so they "could have a nice, quiet lunch" WTF?). He plays Merhi's boss from the security agency, and the vacant, "gimme my paycheck already" look he has on the dvd cover and menu says it all. The chick Gruner is trying to sell into human slavery, Justine Priestley, is pretty, but she doesn't do much either. There's a mildly amusing scene where she has to interrogate a baddie with bolt cutters or something, but nothing else.

Again, Oliver Gruner is the bad guy in this; a likable one, I'll give you that, but he's only in maybe four scenes, and he doesn't use any of his martial arts skills. You don't hire Gruner to talk, you hire him to be a freakin' cyborg and kick people! But Merhi produced this, so he's the lead. Look kids! You too can be a martial arts star, just start your own jewelry business and put up the money for your own films. To be fair, Gruner was hilarious in this, having the best line in the film: "We're gonna find her, find him! Recover the money... And STOP USING THE YELLOW PAGES!" He wasn't given too much to do, except be a suave Eurotrash artist who hires his younger, more academically promising, brother to work with him to get through school.

This is one of the most non-action "action" films I've ever seen. Never mind the various plot-holes and bad pacing (how could Merhi have come face-to-face with Gruner at the bank shoot out five years earlier, and yet fail to recognize him when hired to transport the cargo and not have anything snap in his mind until the last ten minutes of the movie?). Avoid at all costs, go watch 'Nemesis' or 'Tiger Claws' again. It could've been explosive with two of the original poor man's Van Dammes in the same movie, but falls flat (much like the Circuit movies). On second thought, just go watch 'Stone Cold' if you want GOOD bad action.

'Pray For Death' (1985)

This was one of my favorite films when I was a kid; I hadn't seen this in, like, forever, but fortunately, it's on a lot of websites like IMDB for free, so I decided to revisit an old classic. Wow. I used to think this was one of the darkest, most gloriously violent movies ever, but watching it recently I realized this is all kinds of silly. Definitely an 80s action film, but in a good way that makes you yearn for the good ol' days of steroids, big guns, and throwing stars before guys like Matt Damon and Keanu Reeves could be action stars.

Despite its cheesiness, 'Pray for Death' is still incredibly tight, and I always enjoy watching Sho Kosugi do what he does best... Ninjitsu style. In this one he plays a dude named Akira, who's some kind of Japanese businessman but also- you guessed it- a closet ninja, Anyway, Sho's wife thinks it's a good idea to move the family to America. And they do, only they move to a really ratty part of town and get mixed up in some trouble involving crooked cops, organized crime, and a necklace. James Booth, who you boys and girls will remember from Michael Dudikoff's 'Avenging Force' (anyone? Anyone?), places the main baddie, Limehouse Willie. Incurring Willie's wrath is hard on Sho, as his wife gets killed and son run down by a car. This gets Kosugi a hundred kinds of pissed off, and he sets about making the baddies "pray for death." And do they ever.

Like I said, this was so silly at times. I think the filmmakers were trying to see what would happen if they put the ninja figure into a straightforward Charles Bronson/Death Wish forumula; the results are entertaining, if a little mixed.I learned two things: (1) Sho Kosugi can jump over speeding cars a la Dolph in Showdown in Little Tokyo, as well as effortlessly slaughter dozens of mob henchmen at a time, and yet (2) James Booth is tough enough to be the only guy to be in prolonged fights with a ninja who kills most opponents in one sword stroke and jumps over speeding vehicles. I gotta admit that kinda bothered me; here is 60+ year old James Booth handing a ninja his ass on a plate, and they dragged the fight on for 15 minutes! Sho's son Kane (from Japanese Power Rangers fame) gets in some good shots too. The old FBI agent guy from Bloodsport is here as well, as a police chief who does a pretty shitty job of protecting Kosugi's family, considering they get slaughtered on his watch,

Who doesn't love Sho Kosugi? Back before Dudikoff made it cool for us gaijin to dream of being ninjas, Kosugi was it; and he doesn't disappoint here. He's doing it all: jumping over speeding cars, doing ninja magic, and sporting a tight haircut. I think it's about time for a Kosugi marathon around here.

In summary, if you yearn for the good old days of 80s action, mixed in with a million kinds of ninja silliness, watch 'Pray for Death.' The only downside I can think of is the 80s synthesizer power ballad that serves as the theme song, kind of inappropriate for something that needed more of the Stan Bush tough guy belting out songs about never surrendering and killing people if they blink. I'm not sure if this is still on Hulu, but I've also seen it on the inDemand action channels if you have cable/satellite. Enjoy.

'Universal Soldier: Regeneration'- being & nothingness

Okay boys 'n girls, time for a little compare-contrast. Remember that from middle school? Good. If the first Unisol was an exercise in big budget Hollywood excess, Regeneration is its understated, existential cousin. What was overt (comedy, over-the-top action set pieces) in the first here is given a more realistic, naked treatment by 'Smashing Machine' director John Hyams.
Don't go into this thinking it's an all JCVD and Dolphmeister-fest, far from it. Andrei Arlovski is top billed, and does as fine a job as can be imagined playing a cold, emotionless war machine. Our boys Van Damme and Lundgren spend their time either existentially ruminating over life's complexity or trying to blend back in with society. I won't lie, this movie doesn't really start up until the last 25 minutes, but if you stick with it, it will be well worth it.
Unisol 1 epitomized all the grandiosity of that "ballerina" karate fight stuff so popular in the 90s; here, Hyams opts for his unisols to do the ol' ground and pound- I didn't count, but I seriously think every fight scene ends with someone going Mark Kerr on some unfortunate schmuck's ass. The action is brutal, gray, and close quartered. What really saved this movie was Dolph, who, despite being in only like three scenes, steals the show with his understated comedic performance as the cloned Sgt. Scott. If Scott was an over-the-top, quip spouting, ear necklace-wearing maniac in the original, here the humor remains, but is buried in a haze of existential crises. He has the best performance, and you can tell he really worked hard to make sure his scenes were well-crafted. The fight scene he has with Jean Claude is right on par with the first one, albeit a tad shorter.
While Dolph really pulls out the best fights we've seen from him in years, the same cannot be said of Van Damme's performance: he plays the same depressed, hopeless "French philosopher" character he's been doing since 'In Hell' here, and he really looks uncomfortable to be associated with this (he's third billed, and doesn't even do the commentary with Dolph and Hyams. In fact, when 'Unisol 3' played as a surprise entry in the annual fantasy movie fest the Alamo Draft House in Austin hosts, Dolph was the one who was actually there promoting the film).
What I liked here were the small references back to scenarios in the first movie, but that the filmmakers didn't insult our intelligence and throw it in our faces. Anyway, if you've seen one low budget action movie made in Eastern Europe, you've seen them all, but all involved took what could've turned into pretty standard Avi Lerner schlock and turned it into something somewhat redeemable.

'Cage' (1989): "Of Mice & Men Meets Bloodsport'

I rewatched this last night for the first time in about ten years- it was my Cage night. The other cage was Nicholas Cage in Bangkok Dangerous, which I will review shortly.
Okay, here's the dilly yo.

It's a shame that not more people have seen Cage, which is perhaps Lou Ferrigno's best role and character in the mentally handicapped Vietnam Vet Billy. Indeed, Cage is problematic in the action world because it is hard to categorize. I mean, not many action films would dare to venture into the world of the mentally handicapped, and 'Cage' can best be described as 'Of Mice and Men' meets 'Bloodsport.'

This was one of those fun, cheesy 80s films I would rent when I was a kid along with the latest Don "the Dragon" Wilson feature or the newest installment of the Tiger Claws movies. The sets are cheap, the action choreography is sloppy, and the whole thing is just freakin' sweet. I don't know what the filmmakers were going for, but I can only guess that they wanted Lou Ferrigno's Billy character to be a positive role model, and gave the world, in effect, it's first mentally handicapped action hero. The story is: Billy and Scott (Reb Brown, who sports pink shirts, tight jeans, and booty shorts a lot here) were in Vietnam together. Billy saves Scott, and gets shot in the head, becoming mentally handicapped. Long story short, years later they are inseparable friends who own a bar, only the bar is jepordized and some shady gangsters want Billy to cage-fight since he's got amazing brute strength.

It's hard to hate on this movie, since even a bad movie honk like myself couldn't laugh at things without feeling like I was going to hell. Ferrigno brings a great humanity to Billy that in another action star's hands might not have worked. I think it's a very warm, compassionate performance, and I give props for that.
However, the fights are terrible, the acting is sub-par, and the stunts are insulting to the normal, intelligent viewer. I loved it. Reb Brown is great here- he's mister nice guy, and goes around happy-go-lucky and cool beans to everything until bad guys start messing with him and Billy- then he goes crazy and starts giving people shotgun blasts to the chest and breaking cage fighter neck.

The cast in Cage is also to be commended- all star top of the line B movie cheese: you got Ferrigno, Reb Brown, Matthias Hues, Al Leong, Al Ruscio, and the man himself, Danny Trejo! All in the same movie! The only guy missing was Don the Dragon Wilson, but he didn't debut in Bloodfist until later in the year. You have probably already seen this if you're a fan of bad action movies. If you haven't- what are you waiting for? I also recommend 'Cage 2: the Arena of Death', which is my personal favorite of the two. It's not on DVD, though- so happy hunting!

HONG KONG DANGEROUS: 'Raped By An Angel' (1993)

'Raped by an Angel' reunites the oh so hot Chingmy Yau with her 'Naked Killer' co-stars Simon Yam and Carry Ng. It's kind of like what Tony Jaa's 'the Protector' was to 'Ong Bak'- it had the same actors in similar roles, but it's not a sequel. In fact, 'Raped by an Angel' spawned a myriad of sequels throughout the 90s in HK.

This movie is typical Category III trash cinema mixed with Wong Jing silliness. This time around, Chingmy Yau plays a beautiful young model doing tv advertisements to put herself through law school. The problem is, she's attracted the affections of a sociopathic lawyer with deviant sexual tastes and a penchant for rape (played by Mark Cheng). The lawyer/rapist becomes obsessed with Yau, and even moves in next door to her and her roommate, played by Carry Ng (who was the rival assassin in 'Naked Killer'). One of my all-time favorite Hong Kong actors, Simon Yam, returns here as well. He's on the opposite side of the tracks now, playing a silly role as an oblivious and over-the-top obnoxious Triad boss who is dating Chingmy and helping her take down the rapist. He's wicked funny, and great in every scene he's in- another nod-nod wink-wink role (his triad character is a movie producer as well; it's well known HK's film industry is heavily infiltrated by Triads). Dennis Chan, who played Xian in the Kickboxer movies, has a few scenes as Chingmy's university professor. It's hard to talk about details of this movie without giving key plot points away; let's just say Chigmy exacts her revenge in a truly tasteless way on the lawyer/rapist- a revenge that involves guys dressed up clown outfits in the rain, bear traps, bathtubs full of acid, and AIDS victims. It really is that bad.

I knew this film was controversial going in. Anything with 'Rape' in the title doesn't go over too well with people. What's lost on those who easily dismiss it is that this movie is ridiculous, childish, and unintentionally over-the-top, and for a Wong Jing production, you can't expect anything less. Sometimes, I even liked this movie better than 'Naked Killer', which is one of my favorite C level HK exploitation flicks ever. It's not as original as its predecessor, but there is lots to mock, and it's obvious this one doesn't take itself nearly as seriously as 'Naked Killer' did. One of the best scenes has to be the part where the rapist, after being taunted by Chingmy doing her little bra and panties dance, is hanging from the ceiling like Michael Keaton in Batman, rocking back and forth, masturbating until he shoots a wad all over the TV. In another scene, he gives Chingmy's character-who has just finished vacuuming in her bra and panties- a life-size clown doll. Just gross, silly shit like that. Yes, this movie is in extremely bad taste. Make no bones about it. You should know what you're in for and don't expect much out of it. If you watch it in the right state of mind and realize it's a retarded, immature mess of a movie and that's why it's brilliant, you'll like it.

'Hard Gun' (1996)- No, not a porno, an old movie with Tony Jaa

This film is just as bad as the reviews have made it out to be- and more. Also, everything in the synopsis is pretty much a lie. Tony Jaa IS in this movie, Panna Rittikrai IS in this movie, but Jaa has a bit part as a lackey to the head bad guy (and he's in this for maybe 15 minutes tops, anyway), and it is Rittikrai who plays the main villain, he DOES NOT play the cop. Panna handles the fight/stunt sequences (if you can call it that- these scenes look like they were super8 backyard videos you would make with your friends when you were kids or something, hardly the standard of later stuff like 'Born to Fight' or 'Chocolate.' I know Rittikrai was supposed to be a pioneer for Thai action, but gawd), but the director is some dude named Prapon Petchinn, and the main character is played by some guy named Jai Janmulltree.

This is as far from "gritty" and "intense" as you can find. It was made in a simpler time before the fiascos over the past couple of years between Tony Jaa and his mentor and film production company: a time before Jaa was th baddest motherfucker on the planet; hell, a time waayy before he would go live in the forest for months @ a time, abandon his film projects, proclaim that assassins were following him, and ultimately, quit the movie industry to become a monk. Long story short, Rittikrai wants blood because super cop took out his adopted brother in a shootout. There's one action sequence at the beginning, and there's nothing for literally an hour until towards the last 20 minutes or so. The rest is bad Thai comedy, as our hero and his family spend most of their time gambling or playing soccer against the local wife beater and his crew. The tone is uneven at best, but it's definitely not a downer. It's kind of like watching the worst of Wong Jing or Steven Chow, but with nothing to chuckle at and all the charm sucked out and you're just left with utter, head-scratching bullshit.

I know the Thai movie industry was pretty much in its infancy when this movie was made (1996), but this is ridiculous. This movie was made in 1996. You could've fooled me. I thought it was made in 1976, from the wardrobe and look of this movie. The soundtrack was kind of funny- it was a bizarre mix of this instrumental cheesy 80s hair metal and show tunes. I don't know if it's the original Thai score or if the company changed it. Just strange, strange shit and inappropriate.

I really tried to appreciate this for what it was: a selection of the type of movie that inspired Jaa to become an action star, but I couldn't sit through this with a straight face or with my jaw closed. I was just flabbergasted by how cheap and boring it was- and I'm a fan of cheapness as long as its gloriously cheesy and entertaining. This was neither. It was what you would call in Thai, mai weilaa, "a waste of time."

Jaa easily outshines everybody else in this movie in the five minute fight scene he's alloted at the end, but that's not enough to save this from mediocrity and the urge to rather be tied up in a room, sitting through 'Cyborg Soldier' on endless loop with my eyes taped open. Most importantly, everybody in this movie looks gross and stinky. I would've given this half a star, but the title just screams hardcore Steven Geoffreys gay porn (Butt Blazer anyone?), and is perhaps the only bright spot about this massive mai wehlaa. As was the case when Jackie Chan made it back to our shores in the late 90s, Tony Jaa's success has ensured that the many cheap films he had bit parts in back in the 90s will show up here in the states with completely misleading titles, synopses, and attempts by unscrupulous video companies at making out with as much of our cash as possible till we wise up. As long as they're going to be released, I'll sit through them so you don't have to. Some will be better than others, obviously. Stay far away from this and rent the awesome'Ong Bak 2' instead.

'Superfights' (1995)

"Don't take the pills, Jack. They aren't vitamins."
For those who enjoyed the No Retreat, No Surrender and King of the Kickboxers movies, 'Superfights' is another offering from Ng See Yuen's Seasonal Film company. Yes, the same Ng See Yuen who launched Jackie Chan to stardom with 'Snake in Eagle's Shadow' and changed the face of Hollywood stunt choreography with 'the Matrix.'

Directed by Tony Leung (who also helmed the Gary Daniels comedy classic 'Bloodmoon'), this movie introduces us to John Jacob Cody (according to his mother), a kid (or 30 year old man-child, I couldn't tell) who is obsessed with Superfights,' a PPV company that is a cross between pro-wrestling, UFC, and kickboxing. When Jack saves a girl from a bunch of thugs, he becomes an overnight celebrity and is contracted by the Superfights owner (played by Keith Vitali) to be his latest warrior. Little does "All American" Jack Cody know that Superfights is actually a cover for all sorts of illegal activities, including roid-rage, gambling, drugs, and murder. He must stop it before it take him down as well.

Despite how serious the plot sounds (murder, drugs, etc), this movie is as far from serious as you'll get. I had the same problem with 'Bloodmoon,' which was about a serial killer hunted by two cops- except they forgot to mention the serial killer was a kickboxer who dressed up like the Phantom of the opera and the cops did magic tricks. Like all of Seasonal's USA DTV offerings during the late 80s/early 90s, Superfights is a combination of ridiculous acting and set pieces, mixed with the most top notch fight choreography around. If you thought Jason and Scott were bad in the NRNS films, wait til you meet Jack. "Jean Claude Van Dunce" likes to jump up in the air and shout "Woohoo!" at a moments notice, and shout shit at random like "Superfights! YEAH!" and "Bullshit! I'm a great fighter!" There is a truly spectacular homage to Rocky with Jack running through the streets of Philly as random people cheer him on; he runs up the steps, jumps in the air, goes "Yeah!" and freeze frames! Amazing shiznit. Jack is a strange character, because in some scenes, he seems to be more mentally challenged than Jeff Towne, and in others, he's a cocky asshole, saying stuff like "It's time to capitalize on my 15 minutes of fame."

Chuck Jeffreys, the Eddie Murphy look-and-sound alike from 'Bloodmoon,' is here as Superfighter Dark Cloud. He's dressed up in this horrendous rastifarrian/Miss Cleo outfit complete with Hammer parachute pants and likes to throw around his money like a Lil Wayne at a titty bar. Jeffreys truly does the best Eddie Murphy I've ever seen, and I even forgot that he wasn't Eddie Murphy in a few scenes. Seriously though, I think he's Murphy's stunt double in real life.

A really great aspect of this movie is the sexual tension between Jack and his oh-so hot trainer Angel (some bodybuilder chick named Kelly Gallant). This chick was spectacular, because she delivered her lines in this totally unnatural, oversexed way akin to Gina Bellman in Dolph's 'Silent Trigger.' I totally wanna be paddled by a nude baby-oiled her all night long. Despite her throwing herself at him and wanting a trainer/FWB type deal, Jack just never really seems to want to get together with the chick, and he pusses out, which makes him I guess gay as well as borderline retarded. The veiled sexual dialog between the two is great: "this is my favorite vital sign" "that took 30 seconds... Longer than most."

'Superfights' is a dumb, silly movie, make no mistake. But there's much to love- from the most gloriously stupid theme song of all time ("Superfighter! Kick his ass!"); to the old chinese sage dude in a wig who teaches Jack Tai Chi to beat the baddies (he likes to break people's arms and say "Buwshit!"), to the idea that the entire town's news force would show up @ Jack's doorstep mere hours after saving a chick from robbery for no real reason. Wrestling fans will also want to see Rob Van Dam (who is also in 'Bloodmoon,' which has a lot of characters from 'Superfights' in it) do his thang in a couple of brief scenes. The fact that Jack trains with blow up sex dolls in the factory where he works as a box boy; the Vince McMahon-ish promotor who has fighters so roided up he has to take them down with tranquilzer guns. All amazing cinematic moments. There are also a myriad of instantly classic quotes- from Jack's retarded shouts to my personal fav: "Don't take the pills, Jack, they aren't vitamins." Another great scene is when all the superfighters are in the gym together pumping their guns and shit and getting all roided out. Just a great, bad movie.

I think if you want to laugh your ass off for 90 minutes, you can't go wrong with 'Superfights.' I also recommend the No Retreat No Surrender sequels (2 and 3 especially) and King of the Kickboxers 2: American Shaolin (which has the greatest Shaolin monks doing air guitar scene in history). They all have really great fights, and equally atrocious, but laughable, stories and leading men. As an aside, I was also flabbergasted that they gave this a commentary with the producer and Jeffreys. It was very informative and funny, but it just makes me disappointed they can't do this shit for, say, 'Kickboxer 4' or 'American Ninja 2.'

DUDAPALOOZA: Chain of Command' (1994)

DUDAPALOOZA is pretty self-explanitory- along with the other three semi-regular movie features I've added, this one will highlight my love for the cinematic output of one of the all-time greats of 80s action cinema: Michael Dudikoff. We start off with what I consider one of Dud's weaker films, but I will eventually try to get to all of them.

'Chain of Command' is the last gasp of the once great empire of Cannon films. This movie is part thriller/part excuse for Dudikoff to mow down a bunch of bad guys with an M16. Like 'the Human Shield,' 'Chain of Command' has a very convoluted plot that reflects the period of time in which it was made (post-Gulf war) than anything else.

Dudikoff is back, and gives a great send-off to the Cannon B movie as Merrill Ross (another great name up there with Lawson Markman and Sonny McClane), an ex special forces guy-turned big oil advisor. I thought Dudikoff was fantastic in this. Every other word out of his mouth is a curse word and his faces are in full effect here. He plays this character pretty humorously, and that's welcome, given the atrocious script. As always, the Dudikoff gives a great, reliable performance in a film that would otherwise be unbearable without him.

Maya, the chick in this- who's supposed to be a Mosad agent or something- is so damned hot. She's played by Keren Tishman, and I don't think she's been in anything else besides this movie, at least according to IMDB. Maybe this movie will make a huge resurgence and she'll make a comeback, but I doubt it. In one scene, she's all sweaty, chained down to a pool table by the baddie. Hot stuff.

This movie also had the best simulated dialogued "sex scenes with clothes on between two people" since 'Enter the Ninja.' It was priceless: Dudikoff tells Mya, "I should've know you were playing me like a flute" and "how's your hand-to-hand combat?" "You outweigh me." Another scene has the chick stoking a handgun while Dudikoff stands over on the bed, then she removes his towel and the camera cuts to the floor. She and Dudikoff have good chemistry together; they spend most of the film nagging at each other like an old married couple.

If he had been in this a little more, the baddie Rawlings (played to perfection by Todd Curtis) would rank among my top villains of all time just for his sweet mullet. I haven't seen a mullet so sweet since 'Stone Cold' really. I didn't know if he was supposed to be a reflection of post-Gulf War paranoia or a roadie for Dokken. It just adds to the magic that every time he's shown, there is bad 80s hair metal on in the background. He's not so hammy that it's unbelievable he's a match for Dudikoff like Mark Hammil, and he not a slouch either. So we get a pretty even match up for Duds to throw down with. In one great scene, he chases Dudikoff up and down a hotel while totally inappropriate cheesy synthesizer music played- I guess the 80s never really ended for Cannon. It was simply amazing.

Watching this alongside the similarly themed 'The Human Shield,' I couldn't help but feel that Cannon were searching for the next big boogeyman a la the Communists or Libyan terrorists for their all-American hero Dudikoff to fight. I really don't think they were that successful in either movie. The terrorist stereotypes in this and the aforementioned 'Human Shield' are just as caricatured as the baddies of 'Invasion USA' or 'Delta Force,' but it was obviously a different time, and Cannon were behind.

Despite the myriad of problems with the plot and score, I really enjoyed this overall. Be warned that if you're not invested in paying attention to this, you WILL be lost- it is difficult to keep track of who's the good guy and who's the bad guy-, so prepare for a bit more twists and turns than you're used to in similar B movie fare (think 'Hidden Agenda' convoluted). I'm a fan of plot-twists, but I think in cases like this, it comes off as a B-movie writer trying to prove how clever he is.

If you're a big fan of Dudikoff, you've already seen this. Our boy is damn good here, and the sight of seeing him mow down bad guys with two M16s for no real reason or advancing of the story is always a sight to behold. If you're not initiated into the arcane charms of the Michael Dudikoff B movie, you may enjoy it for the hilarity of the bad guy's mullet and Dudikoff's potty mouth. I'd also say this is probably one you'd want to wait until later to watch if you're just starting out with Dudikoff post-American Ninja. You'd probably be better off watching 'Cyber Jack' or 'Moving Target' first.

'Blind Fury' (1989)

'Blind Fury' is a fun little yarn starring Rutger Hauer as Nick Parker, a Vietnam vet turned American Zatoichi/blind swordsman. After promising his old Nam buds' ex that he would take her kid to Nevada to see the dad, Parker sets off, and we're all good to go for nonstop action and laughs. This movie is typical fill-in-the-blanks late 80s popcorn action movie fun.

You got many B list actors in this: the so very hot Meg Foster (They Live, Future Kick, Master of the Universe) is in the first five minutes (I'll let you take a wild guess why she's not in the other hour and ten). The guy that girl told to "eat shit you fucking Redneck" redneck from 'The Last Boy Scout" is here too, and it was a kick to see him say "designer drugs, boy! Wave of the future!" just like he did in Last Boyscout. Terry O'Quinn does a good job as Hauer's 'Nam buddy, who he must save from the evil redneck who is creating a designer drug, that is apparently the wave of the future. Even mr. Ninja guy himself, Sho Kosugi shows up to fight Hauer @ the end. The bad guy redneck apparently "paid a lot of money to see this, boy!" and in struts Kosugi, chompin' on an apple. Hauer has an impressive fight with Sho, but the ninja gets knocked out by our blind boy, swimming into a vat of electrified acid. There was also an annoying kid who acted like a little shit the whole time to Hauer that gave this movie an 'Over the Top'-esque feel. Overall, he didn't stop this from being hella cheesy fun.

Hauer is on the list of B and C grade leading men along with Christopher Lambert and Jeff Speakman. This was made when he was still a bonafide 80s action hero. The guy who directed this supposedly went on to direct 'the Saint' and Patriot Games'- this is easily way better and more entertaining that either of those.

There was a lot to like in this: the training sequences @ the beginning, where Hauer is learning how to use the sword and all the Cambodian villagers are laughing at him; Hauer chopping a bee in half with his sword; these moments made up for a very pedestrian plot. I liked the quotes in this; the one that stands out in my mind (and that I look forward to using in everyday conversation @ inappropriate times) is the one where the baddies are shootin' somethin' up real good, and one quips: "Damn - that thing has more holes than my daddy's rubber." Priceless shit.

Overall, if you wanna have some cheesy, mindless late 80s action fun on a weekday while winding down from work, you couldn't do much better than this- except maybe Showdown in Little Tokyo or 'Bloodsport.' I mean, I liked it- but then again, I like Brian Bosworth movies.

Black Friday Turkey: 'Black Friday' with Gary Daniels

I'm reviewing this movie for two reasons: first, I have a really lame sense of humour, seeing as yesterday was Black Friday, and I came across this while perusing older reviews I had done. Second, there is a lot of new interest in Gary Daniels from his appearance in 'The Expendables;' Daniels has always been one of my favorite DTV martial arts stars, esp. stuff like 'Bloodmoon' and 'White Tiger;'
hopefully, someone unfamiliar with his work looking for a starting point will read a review I do for, say, 'Bloodmoon' versus something like this and have a better idea of what to check out (and what to avoid).

Bordering on unwatchable, 'Black Friday' is easily one of Gary Daniels' worst movies. Starting out initially as one of the second-hand Jean Claude Van Dammes, Daniels has has an interesting C movie career with more misses than hits on his plate. He's starred in everything from erotic vampire thrillers to genuine Hong Kong action films opposite Jackie Chan; from futuristic Robocop/cagefighting movies to standard kickboxing movies; and even led the cast of a mid-budget adaptation of the classic Anime 'Fist of the North Star'- this is a new low.

A truly mind-numbing waste of time, here is an example of the dialog (5 minute scene): "We stand down!" "Bullshit!" "I'm in charge here and I say we stand down!" "Bullshit!" (silence) "Stand down!" "This is Bullshit!" (stare down) "fuck!" I kid you not, this was a scene in the movie. Gary Daniels stars as a dude who used to be in a super secret government agency, but has retired to become a big-shot lawyer with a wife and family. He comes home one day to find his family is being held hostage, somewhere along the way has to stop a bomb from being detonated, and then...

The movie just meanders, and dies a slow, ugly death. Confusing, stupid, badly directed, and boasting- I kid you not, a 15 minute dialog flashback scene that advances the movie in no way whatsoever. People stand around for minutes at a time without saying a word. It does however, boast better special effects than the Tom Cruise version of 'War of the Worlds.'

The only brights spots are (a) Daniels has a couple of brief, but clumsy bad action fight scenes; and (b) one of the baddies looks like Triple H if he decided to stop working out and lived on Pecan wheels and macaroni and cheese, (c) there is a really bad christian rock song that sounds like it's being sung by Starscream from the Transformers cartoon. The one part I got the biggest kick out of was watching Daniels try to be this wise semi-Christian sage at the end, trying to convince the baddie to see the errors of his ways: "I chose to change the present! Its ova, man. It's ova." A great monologue up there with anything Michael Keaton did in 'Gung Ho!"

As the other reviewers have pointed out as well, there is no samurai sword in this either- he doesn't slice anyone up or do anything remotely interesting. I read that the producers ran out of money before finishing this movie, and that would probably be the best explanation as to why so much of the story is told in paragraphs on the screen periodically throughout the movie. The soundtrack is this awful Christian hard rock music that is completely inappropriate in tone and just adds to the unintended hilarity of the movie.

Rent 'Bloodmoon' or 'White Tiger' instead to know what Daniels is really about. On the other hand, if you wanna watch two guys sitting on a bench talking for fifteen or twenty minutes and hear christian rock songs sung by Starscream from the Transformers, 'Black Friday' might be the movie for you.

SKIN FLICK DIARIES: The Showgirl Murders (1995)

A NOTE: I've decided to change things up a little bit, add some variety, if you will. I'm not always all about music (although music is a lifesource, like food, for me), and a big part of me is my love for obscure, weird, and sometimes just plain bad, movies, often of the direct-to-video or cult variety (Hong Kong, Thai, Korean, Mexican, foreign in general). Therefore, I've added three new categories to my usual music/live concert review format: SKIN FLICK DIARIES will cover the trashier, late night fare that inevitably goes with cult cinema- this will, in the coming weeks and months, probably focus mostly on my love of those old Maria Ford flicks. As I get more time, I will explore the genre here more in depth.

HONG KONG DANGEROUS allows me to delve into my favorite type of cinema: that from Hong Kong. I've grown up with Hong Kong movies since I was 8-9 years old, and have fond memories of hunting down obscure HK flicks @ video stores like I Luv Video, ordering from little dive video/fish stores in San Francisco's China town, and dragging my parents and friends to the local college's theater and weekly HK midnight showings @the local theater where I eventually worked, where HK films were shown regularly. Seeing 'Armour of God II', 'Police Story,' 'The Killer,' 'Wing Chun,' etc YEARS before Jackie came back to America with 'Rumble' (and movies like 'Crouching Tiger' and 'The Matrix' made HK film and its style Hollywood mainstream) left a permanent impression on me, and I hope that enthusiasm comes across in the reviews.

Finally, CyberPunk Babylon- originally intended to review the Nemesis films of Albert Pyun (which I will get around to doing some day), I am going to turn into a semi-regular thing as well, showcasing my love for dystopian sci-fi like, well, the 'Nemesis' films, Cyborg, and anything else I feel carries elements of the fictional millieu honed and perfected by William Gibson. But enough of my yappin', let's boogy.

'Showgirl Murders' is a tongue-in-cheek erotic thriller starring Maria Ford (Angel of Destruction, Strip Teaser, Ring of Fire II) as Jessica Cross, a sexy, mysterious stripper expert in the arts of manipulation, murder, and... Ummm, stripping. Although it comes with a pedestrian plot lifted straight out of a Lifetime tv movie, this is another of Roger Corman's trashy C grade gems.

The story is simple: black widow with a shady past walks into the lives of a married couple on the skids. Black widow starts out innocently enough as waitress, gradually becomes stripper, makes bar lots o' money. Black widow moves in on husband, taking advantage of wifey's huge alcohol problem. Conspiracies abound involving murder, insurance money, and badly lit sex scenes. Black widow's shady past catches up with her initiating more manipulation, murder, and badly lit sex scenes. C grade comedy gold is the result.

Maria Ford did great in this, as always. Back when I was a teenager, she was one of the IT girls for me in DTV land. She had this "skanky hot" quality that I just found irresistable. Out of the gate, it's off the chain. She poisons her boyfriend, hits the road, and a myriad of B cup strip action (along with a nice nipple ring Ford acquired somewhere) and over the top Ford diva faces are shown on screen, as our anti-heroine makes it to our hapless bar-owner couple on the rocks, Mitch and Carolyn.

The actors who play Mitch and Carolyn (Matt Preston and D.S. Case) I haven't seen anywhere else, and I can only guess this is the only movie they've done. The husband is a typical louse thinking with his piece and not his brain, and the booze hound wife provided many laughs. The film's explanation for why she's such a drunk is typical: she ran over a kid on her way to the bar's grand opening (!) I also enjoyed the scene where she got all drunk and tried to strip before falling off the stage and bashing her head on a table.

Speaking of the strip scenes, they're aplenty in here, so you won't be disappointed if that's what you're looking for.The strip scenes become increasingly darker and more S&M in feel as the movie progresses, I guess reflecting the dark underbelly Mitch is descending into with Jessica. I couldn't help chuckling through the opening credits, because they list the strip scenes as "choreographed and costumed by Maria Ford." Who is this lady? Jean Claude Van Damme or something? I guess the strip scenes here are akin to the fight scenes in a Van Damme movie now. In that case, 'Showgirl Murders' is the stripper equivalent to 'Kickboxer.'

The movie's title is obviously a cash-in on the notoriety (I wanted to say success, but was it?) of 'Showgirls,' an equally campy film that came out the same year. Both films feature chicks with a shady past, but I think Maria Ford definitely outdid Elizabeth Berkley in the camp department. The only drawback here is that there is no Gina Gershon equivalent for our anti-heroine to feud with.

I can't really recommend this unless you're a big fan of bad movies. If you're looking to watch another 'Slum Dog Millionaire' this ain't it. However, if you want to see Maria Ford do what she does best (strip, act badly), you can't do any better than this, or maybe 'Angel of Destruction.' I'd say this movie blows 'Showgirls' and 'Striptease' out of the water. But like I said, I like Brian Bosworth movies and my idea of great cinema begins and ends with 'American Ninja II.' Still, 'Showgirl Murders' is a fun movie for those willing to think outside the movie theater box.

HONG KONG DANGEROUS: Tragic Hero (1987)

So I've decided to start a new semi-regular movie review feature every now and then: Hong Kong Dangerous will be an outlet for my 20+ year love of the genre of HK film, and spotligh some of my favorites, not so favorites, and newest viewings. Today, I will review 'Tragic Hero', starring the legendary Chow Yun Fat.

For those of you who, upon turning off 1986's HK triad saga 'Rich and Famous', wondered, "wouldn't it kick ass if there was a sequel to this?" you're in luck. Chow Yun Fat, Andy Lau, Alex Man, Carina Lau, and even Danny Lee (in what is more or less a small 30 second blip on the screen) all return to give us the final chapter in the exploits of Triad boss Le Ah Chai. For those of you who thought 'Rich and Famous' took a bit too long to get to the action and gangster gun play, you're in luck too. 'Tragic Hero' goes for broke in , frankly ridiculous, over-the-top shoot outs, and boasts one of the highest bodycounts in recent cinematic history. Where 'Rich and Famous' focused on issues of brotherhood and loyalty between the characters of Alex Man and Andy Lau, this one is a more straightforward mix of the Godfather and a typical Bronson revenge flick centering on the ever-slick and amazing Chow Yun Fat (the Killer, Tiger on the Beat, Bulletproof Monk).

So, I kinda dug this, but kinda didn't. I think I'd have to say 'Rich and Famous' is a little better, because it was more subtle, whereas this one just goes 'Commando' on our asses 20 minutes in and doesn't let up. Taylor Wong did a good job with the predecessor of balancing the action with a storyline that intrigued, yet couldn't fully develop in the hour and forty minutes alloted. Here, he seems content to say "fuck all," blow shiznit up, kill off pretty much all the main characters, and provide a visual feast of violence, vengeance. and blood on screen.

Chow Yun Fat does pretty well as Le Ah Chai, the HK godfather, but the rest of the cast seems distracted or rushed by the dizzying subplots and confusing tone. Alex Man is deliciously evil as Yung, who has been unusually quiet since getting out of prison. Yung's silence is soon punctured, and he gets his revenge on Chow's character until Chow literally has lost everything- friends, family, empire. This, understandably, makes Chow pissed, and he enlists the aid of Andy Lau (God of Gamblers, Running on Karma, Fulltime Killer), who has been living as a teacher on some island paradise, but still remembers how to fire semi-automatic weapons and grenade launchers in Rambo proportions in the finale. Together, they will not rest until many buildings are sprayed with bullets, small towns set on fire, and someone gets blown to bits with a rocket launcher in Death Wish IV fashion.

Speaking of the finale, many have deservedly compared its cartoonish violence to rival that of 'A Better Tomorrow II' or 'Death Wish III,' and I can't argue with that.

This one was in and out of the system pretty fast: pretty tasty when watching, but forgettable afterwards. There are definitely worse Hong Kong triad/heroic bloodshed movies out there, and you may find yourself enjoying the further exploits of HK godfather Lee Ah Chai. Otherwise, rent something more palatable like Johnny To's 'Election or tried and true stuff like Woo's 'A Better Tomorrow.'

CYBERPUNK BABYLON: "The Bad, the Worse, & Cyborg 2'

"If you're gonna dine with the devil... You better bring a long spoon." Jack Palance's incomprehensibly silly, but off the chain, line is the only really good thing about this garbage; well, other than Angelina Jolie at her total hottest ever as a jailbait cyborg.

I remember this coming out back in the day, but I never got around to renting it. Upon viewing it recently, I can only say: "gross."

The movie opens with some raspy Jack Palance narration, as he explains that cyborgs have replaced humans in almost every way in the service industry: from garbage men to sex workers. There are two corporations, a Japanese one and another one called Pinwheel, Only, the Pinwheel dudes are the baddies, and they're creating a beautiful cyborg that looks like Angelina Jolie to go to Tokyo, infiltrate the rival corporation, and blow herself (and it) up. The problem is, she falls in love with Elias Koteas, and the two run off together. As you can imagine, the pair are subsequently hunted down from all sides.

'Cyborg 2' is easily one of the worst movies I've seen in awhile. It was reeeealllllly hard to sit through all at once, and that's saying a lot, considering I watched crap like 'Film Geek' and 'G.I. Executioner' in one sitting. I think this just goes to show that less is really more where these types of movies are concerned. Albert Pyun's original masterpiece dismissed all pretentions to being a cerebral character study of what it means to be human through the locus of an android/cyborg, and gave us 88 minutes of drive in B movie fun: lots of ass kicking, corny dialog, cheesy 80s synth score, and Van Damme splits. 'Cyborg 2' seems to have a more thought-out plot, but just bores the viewer to tears. I felt like the makers decided to throw in some stock footage from the first one and just call this a sequel, because it has nothing else to do with it plotwise.

I've already mentioned how Angelina Jolie is a total jailbait hottie here; her co-stars didn't fare too well, aside from Koteas. I'm a big fan of Elias Koteas, perhaps best known as Casey Jones from the TMNT franchise- but who I loved best in the first 'Prophecy film.' He was pretty solid, as always. He didn't have too much to work with, his role essentially being a human martial arts instructor who falls for Jolie and helps her escape from the Pinwheel corporation. To his credit, Koteas took a role which was, more or less, a poor man's Van Damme, and made it somewhat interesting. But just barely.

The rest of the cast was non-existent, The Pinwheel pin-heads didn't do shit most of the pic- the only interesting thing they did was at the beginning, when they're watching one of their female cyborgs have sex, and they detonate the bomb they put inside of her: "cyborg stew," one of 'em quips. Jack Palance- who was pretty much cashing a paycheck or doing a favor for his key grip nephew- was just some lips on a monitor screen until the last five minutes, when he shows up ready to dine with the devil with a looonnng spoon as the cyborg Mercy. Billy Drago didn't help matters by looking so disgusting and doing his best Skeletor/Joker/over-the-top generic villain impression. Drago was supposed to be the main villain, and he even has a couple of badly directed fight scenes with Koteas. The problem is, no matter how gross and "scary" Drago tries to be by peeling off his skin or throwing bad punches and kicks, he's no Fender.

Truly a waste of celluloid. This ultimately comes off as a messy cross between wannabe Wiilliam Gibson cyberpunk and late night Skinemax soft porn. Save yourself the rental price and just thow Albert Pyun's 'Nemesis' or the classic original into the DVD player again. If the filmmakers really had the intention of boring us to death this bad, they could've at least taken a play out of Albert Pyun's book and given us some cheesy synthetic cyborg cock; they didn't even include this common courtesy.

Aesthetic Perfection- 'Living the Wasted Life' in Denver, CO

Her's the setlist:

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VNV Nation live @ Elysium April 2010

Another great show I saw earlier this year was VNV Nation, who were great as always, here's a snippet of them playing 'Sentinal' from 'Of Faith, Power, and Glory.':


The setlist was as follows:

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The Apop trip March 2010

This has been a long time coming- I spent the weeks leading up to my 30th birthday following Apop around different shows, as a kind of rite of passage and birthday treat to myself- to give you a little taste of what they're like live, I've included the trailer for their new live cd/dvd they just released:


From Denver to Austin @ SXSW, to a truly ear-destroying triumphant show in Dallas @ the Church, these were amazing shows, and I will be sure to see this amazing synthpop band again- many more times. :) Here are the setlists for the shows:

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Psychedelic Furs- 'Pyjamarama' live @ Emo's 6/30/2010

Another older one that I didn't get to until now- Psychedelic Furs covering Roxy Music @ Emo's in Austin,TX. This was my second time seeing these guys- the first time way back in, like, I think, 2000-2001 @ Stubb's. Great video here:


Here's the setlist:

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Birthday Massacre- 'Horror Show' live in Denver, CO

This was a few months back, so maybe old news, but here's some footage from the Birthday Massacre show @ the Marquis Theater back in August. My fourth time seeing these guys, and they deliver each and every time.



Here's what they played that night:

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Gary Numan- 'The Fall' live in Denver, CO @ the Gothic Theatre

For those wondering, here's what I remember him playing:

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Nachtmahr live @Encore, Austin,TX 6/23/2010

Great show on Wednesday! Here's some video from the show:
'Tanzdiktator':

'I Believe in Blood':


Here's what they played that night:

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The Foxglove Hunt- 'Built My Fortress' EP (2009)

The Foxglove Hunt is a neo- New Wave duo consisting of Rob Withem (former frontman of Christian indie/post punk band Fine China) and Ronnie Martin (the one man synth pop machine behind Joy Electric). Carving out a niche unto themselves in a little bizzaro world where 1983 found a young Morrissey forgoing the Smiths to front New Order, Foxglove Hunt quickly found themselves near the top of my 'must listen' list last year. The two have recently returned with a follow-up EP to their full-length debut 'Stop Heartbeat,' consisting of two previously import-only tracks, a new song, and three "mixes" of stuff from the debut.

'Built My Fortress' follows the same forumula explored on their 2008 debut: catchy song structures featuring lush vocal melodies that would make Morrissey blush, irresistable New Order-esque choruses, all wrapped up beautifully(in the band's own words) "using the latest technology from 1983." The first song, 'The Time Redeem,' continues Withem's idiosyncratic penchant for mixing Christian spirituality with impenetrable yet whimsical new wave poesy; musically, it could almost be New Order's 'Theives Like Us' meets 'A Concealed Weapon, part deux,' with the drum machines, lush synthesizer strings, and Ronnie Martin's pristine programming. 'Alone and You Like It' and 'A Building Collapsing' follow the same pattern, nicely complimenting the debut CD, but lacking the power of something like 'Life Highrise' or ' The Pure in Heart.'

As far as the mixes go, well... I didn't care much for the piano mix of 'A Concealed Weapon'- it was good, but lost was the fun and urgency of the 'Stop Heartbeat' version. The other two are a different story- I thought they were really great all around because they sound like they easily could have fit on Fine China's 'You Make Me Hate Music' or 'Jaws of Life' albums, showcasing Withem's talent for writing maudlin Smiths/Echo & the Bunnymen dirges with all the catchiness of a Robert Smith circa 1986. 'That's Getting Personal' comes off like a track from 'Hatful of Hollow,' and it is here that Withem's breathy, lush vocal tones revel in full-on Morrissey worship. The 'rock mix' of 'It's Not Effective' explores more indepth what was only implied in the original version- a post-punk rocker in the vein of 'Charlotte Sometimes' that would not be out of place on Fine China's 'When the World Sings.'

In conclusion, 'Built My Fortress' is a pretty nifty CD, packed with the same catchy choruses and amazing drum machine handclaps you found yourself in withdrawal from if you went without listening to 'Stop Heartbeat' for more than two days. Fans of this synth pop duo will be more than pleased, and it's also great because it showcases a different side to some of the cooler tracks on 'Stop Heartbeat.' It's well worth a purchase- but will it keep us satiated until the next Foxglove Hunt full length?