BLOODFIST V: HUMAN TARGET (1993)

This is one of the most enjoyable, well-done of the Bloodfist series. I'm a big Wilson guy, and a big proponent of the idea that the first three Bloodfist movies are classics on equal footing with anything JCVD or Seagal were putting out at the time. This isn't as good as the first three, but it's the best the series got before the last three entries messed everything up.

Continuing the paradigm set up in the fourth entry, this one sees Wilson as a guy who can't trust anybody but himself, and needs to save the day from some international intrigue or threat.

There have been some abysmal, unbelievably shitty sequels in this franchise, but one thing the Bloodfist movies always delivered on was well-crafted action scenes, and this has a lot of 'em. Donny doesn't know who to trust, so he's fighting all sides most of the duration of the film, taking some time out to chill with the oh-so-fine in an early 90s kind of way chick Denice Duff.

I guess this is Wilson's version of Hard to Kill, because he plays a guy named Jimmy Stanton (or is he?) who is shot in the head at the beginning, and doesn't know if he's on the side of the good guys or the Chinese mafia baddies. Denice Duff is "Candy," a hooker (or is she?) who, after meeting Wilson for five minutes (three of which involve a fist fight in a garage), agrees to help him find out his identity.

This may be shocking to some, but I really felt that if this had a bigger budget, and actors who could "act," this would've been a good theatrical release. There are some familiar faces from tv land here: one of the guys from Mad TV shows up as a guy working at a jewelry store, and Babu from Seinfeld is an illegal arms dealer trying to buy some stolen plutonium from the Dragon. The chick is not too bad as far as eye candy goes, and she's not too annoying either, so it gets a thumbs up for that.

This movie has the distinction of being the last movie Steve James made before he tragically passed away. He's only in a few scenes, to tell the truth, but he's still good here. He plays a pimp (or does he?) of some sort. He doesn't go all out and Curtis Jackson on anybody's ass (he does, however, almost go Fargo on Wilson's ass), but I can understand the guy was going through some stuff. I'm surprised I liked this as much as I did when it first came out. A nice movie to watch with the equally entertaining Bloodfist IV: Die Trying.

LEFT FOR DEAD (2008)

Don't get me wrong. I went into this movie expecting an absolute piece of shit on a level not seen since 'the Wrecking Crew' or 'Crazy Six.' Nearly 90% of the reviews have made this out to be easily one of the worst films of 2008, but I have to say I enjoyed 'Left For Dead.' Is it a great or even decent film? Hell no. Would I rent it @ Blockbuster or pay more than a dollar to see it? No. What do you expect from a filmmaker like Albert Pyun, who shot this in 11 days from a script intended as a college student's thesis? But I thought I'd throw it on my qeue to see what was up.

'Left for Dead' is another stinker from the king of bad B movies, Albert Pyun. Pyun has done some off-the-chain movies- movies that, truth be told, I count among my absolute favorites-, 'Radioactive Dreams,' 'Dangerously Close', Nemesis,' 'Cyborg,'Knights,' and 'Down Twisted' among them ('Sword & the Sorcerer' wasn't too shabby either). I SHOULD go a little bit easier on him; buuuutttt... He's also given moviephiles the most notorious clunkers in history: Snoop Dogg's 'Urban Menace,' 'The Wrecking Crew,' 'Captain America,' 'Bad Bizniz' and 'Max Havoc.' Granted, all of those atrocities have their own individual stories and that's cool,- my respect for mr. Pyun has nothing but grown over the years, but I have to call this like I see it. Or maybe I'm just bitter about 'Crazy Six' and want some harsh, though unjustified, revenge for having to sit through it.

Ostensibly, this movie is a "gothic spaghetti western' shot in 11 days on location in Argentina with an entirely local cast and crew. The plot goes something like this: set in the 1890s, gunslinger Clementine Templeton (played by the impossibly gorgeous Victoria Maurette) is hot on the trail of her bounty/estranged-husband. She stumbles into a town run by women led by the sadistic "Lord Mary," who just happens to be the mother of a chick who Clementine's husband knocked up. She offers to help find him, and bring him to justice. Clementine's ex tries to find refuge in a little Mexican town called 'Amnesty.' Little does he know that the ghost of a dead preacher named Mobius inhabits the town, and lures the women to the town so he can exact revenge. Why? You ask? Well, it turns out "Lord Mary" went on a rampage with her prostitute friends 15 years previous, killing the preacher and his "whore" girlfriend. The preacher pledges allegiance to Lucifer in exchange for revenge and now he's got his chance.

This movie was, for the most part, dull and pretentious. Pyun added a lot of trendy, 5 second slow mo camera tricks to his usual vapid arsenal of bad movie tricks, and it really detracted from the movie. Like 'Saw,' but without any point to it (much like 'Saw' itself). The premise was interesting, but I think the budget limitations didn't present us a clear picture of what this could've been. When we remove all the fancy camera tricks- and Pyun's shameless self promotion in the commentary- the viewer is left with a clunky, badly lit attempt at a spaghetti western which has lots of unnecessary and gratuitous scenes of brutality against women. The undead preacher dispenses of his victims in very disturbing ways: in one scene, he extracts several teeth from one of the prostitutes. In another, he bashes a woman's face in several times with his fist. In the climatic scene, he uses a hook to do his dirty work. I guess Pyun was going for the 'Saw' factor here, but I didn't care for those movies to begin with. The special effects were cheap as hell, but if you took Pyun's word for it, they were on par with Steven Spielberg.

The actors were all from Argentina, so they slip between Spanish and English a lot, with only Victoria Maurette keeping a consistent western accent throughout. Speaking of Victoria Maurette, she was amazing in this. Her performance wasn't really all that special, but she has an IT quality I liked- plus she walked around in her hat, patched up wedding dress, and had dirt on her face the entire time, like she hadn't bathed in weeks. Me likes. Apparently, she's only been in teeny bop Argentinian soap operas before this (and in Pyun's Bulletface gettin' nekkid), so let's hope we see her in something else soon.

I liked this more than I expected to. I didn't get as bored as I thought I would, and didn't think this was nearly as bad as something like, say, 'Crazy Six.' 'Left for Dead' has it's problems, believe me, but Victoria Maurette was distractingly beautiful enough to keep it's bad points from being too unbearable. This is the type of movie Fangoria readers would give five stars to, but anyone looking for a decent movie night out would probably want to save their money on.

SNIPPETS

Kinamand (2006)

Some movie reviews shorter than most are used to; these are my snippets of some good, bad, and some downright abysmally shitty...

'Kinamand' is one of the best films I've seen in recent memory, and highly recommended. It's a bittersweet, fairly simple story that works out beautifully- but paradoxically, breaks your heart at the same time. This is largely thanks to the understated, but outstanding acting of the two leads, Bjarne Henrickson (who gives a great performance as Keld) and Vivian Wu (Ling). 'Kinamand ' is permeated by a mostly somber, existential mood, but is punctuated by breathtaking moments of humanity and comedy. I felt this movie was close in spirit to the Thai movie 'Cherm,' with two main characters who are truly "alone" and separate- in this case, culturally- yet, who nevertheless bond in a truly touching way. This is one of those great, great movies that I can't recommend enough.

SNIPPETS

Some movie reviews shorter than most are used to; these are my snippets of some good, bad, and some downright abysmally shitty...

Endgame (2009)
"It's okay- we don't work together anymore."
"Do me a favor- call me Alex."
"I'm a little insulted, sir... This is a funeral!"
As far as REEAAALLLY bad DTV movies, this could be one of the crowing jewels of the artform- right up there with 'Future War,' 'Samurai Cop' and 'Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.' In all seriousness, this could be the new 'Plan Nine from Outer Space.' Former WWE superstar (and current TNA headcase) Kurt Angle shines in one of the most hilarious roles as Brad Mayfield, a guy with a penchant for disguises who also likes to kill strippers while doing them doggystyle and asking them repeatedly: "you want me to make you cum? Huh?" Jenna Morasca (who was in TNA with Angle at the time) plays a stripper who doesn't strip, and a bunch of other borderline retards also rise to the occasion with acting and production values a little below that of higher budgeted porn. Kudos to Angle for not taking a typical tough guy wrestler-turned-actor role, but this is beyond his range. And that is a very good thing for all of us bad movie lovers. Viva Buffo the clown!