'Pray For Death' (1985)

This was one of my favorite films when I was a kid; I hadn't seen this in, like, forever, but fortunately, it's on a lot of websites like IMDB for free, so I decided to revisit an old classic. Wow. I used to think this was one of the darkest, most gloriously violent movies ever, but watching it recently I realized this is all kinds of silly. Definitely an 80s action film, but in a good way that makes you yearn for the good ol' days of steroids, big guns, and throwing stars before guys like Matt Damon and Keanu Reeves could be action stars.

Despite its cheesiness, 'Pray for Death' is still incredibly tight, and I always enjoy watching Sho Kosugi do what he does best... Ninjitsu style. In this one he plays a dude named Akira, who's some kind of Japanese businessman but also- you guessed it- a closet ninja, Anyway, Sho's wife thinks it's a good idea to move the family to America. And they do, only they move to a really ratty part of town and get mixed up in some trouble involving crooked cops, organized crime, and a necklace. James Booth, who you boys and girls will remember from Michael Dudikoff's 'Avenging Force' (anyone? Anyone?), places the main baddie, Limehouse Willie. Incurring Willie's wrath is hard on Sho, as his wife gets killed and son run down by a car. This gets Kosugi a hundred kinds of pissed off, and he sets about making the baddies "pray for death." And do they ever.

Like I said, this was so silly at times. I think the filmmakers were trying to see what would happen if they put the ninja figure into a straightforward Charles Bronson/Death Wish forumula; the results are entertaining, if a little mixed.I learned two things: (1) Sho Kosugi can jump over speeding cars a la Dolph in Showdown in Little Tokyo, as well as effortlessly slaughter dozens of mob henchmen at a time, and yet (2) James Booth is tough enough to be the only guy to be in prolonged fights with a ninja who kills most opponents in one sword stroke and jumps over speeding vehicles. I gotta admit that kinda bothered me; here is 60+ year old James Booth handing a ninja his ass on a plate, and they dragged the fight on for 15 minutes! Sho's son Kane (from Japanese Power Rangers fame) gets in some good shots too. The old FBI agent guy from Bloodsport is here as well, as a police chief who does a pretty shitty job of protecting Kosugi's family, considering they get slaughtered on his watch,

Who doesn't love Sho Kosugi? Back before Dudikoff made it cool for us gaijin to dream of being ninjas, Kosugi was it; and he doesn't disappoint here. He's doing it all: jumping over speeding cars, doing ninja magic, and sporting a tight haircut. I think it's about time for a Kosugi marathon around here.

In summary, if you yearn for the good old days of 80s action, mixed in with a million kinds of ninja silliness, watch 'Pray for Death.' The only downside I can think of is the 80s synthesizer power ballad that serves as the theme song, kind of inappropriate for something that needed more of the Stan Bush tough guy belting out songs about never surrendering and killing people if they blink. I'm not sure if this is still on Hulu, but I've also seen it on the inDemand action channels if you have cable/satellite. Enjoy.

'Universal Soldier: Regeneration'- being & nothingness

Okay boys 'n girls, time for a little compare-contrast. Remember that from middle school? Good. If the first Unisol was an exercise in big budget Hollywood excess, Regeneration is its understated, existential cousin. What was overt (comedy, over-the-top action set pieces) in the first here is given a more realistic, naked treatment by 'Smashing Machine' director John Hyams.
Don't go into this thinking it's an all JCVD and Dolphmeister-fest, far from it. Andrei Arlovski is top billed, and does as fine a job as can be imagined playing a cold, emotionless war machine. Our boys Van Damme and Lundgren spend their time either existentially ruminating over life's complexity or trying to blend back in with society. I won't lie, this movie doesn't really start up until the last 25 minutes, but if you stick with it, it will be well worth it.
Unisol 1 epitomized all the grandiosity of that "ballerina" karate fight stuff so popular in the 90s; here, Hyams opts for his unisols to do the ol' ground and pound- I didn't count, but I seriously think every fight scene ends with someone going Mark Kerr on some unfortunate schmuck's ass. The action is brutal, gray, and close quartered. What really saved this movie was Dolph, who, despite being in only like three scenes, steals the show with his understated comedic performance as the cloned Sgt. Scott. If Scott was an over-the-top, quip spouting, ear necklace-wearing maniac in the original, here the humor remains, but is buried in a haze of existential crises. He has the best performance, and you can tell he really worked hard to make sure his scenes were well-crafted. The fight scene he has with Jean Claude is right on par with the first one, albeit a tad shorter.
While Dolph really pulls out the best fights we've seen from him in years, the same cannot be said of Van Damme's performance: he plays the same depressed, hopeless "French philosopher" character he's been doing since 'In Hell' here, and he really looks uncomfortable to be associated with this (he's third billed, and doesn't even do the commentary with Dolph and Hyams. In fact, when 'Unisol 3' played as a surprise entry in the annual fantasy movie fest the Alamo Draft House in Austin hosts, Dolph was the one who was actually there promoting the film).
What I liked here were the small references back to scenarios in the first movie, but that the filmmakers didn't insult our intelligence and throw it in our faces. Anyway, if you've seen one low budget action movie made in Eastern Europe, you've seen them all, but all involved took what could've turned into pretty standard Avi Lerner schlock and turned it into something somewhat redeemable.

'Cage' (1989): "Of Mice & Men Meets Bloodsport'

I rewatched this last night for the first time in about ten years- it was my Cage night. The other cage was Nicholas Cage in Bangkok Dangerous, which I will review shortly.
Okay, here's the dilly yo.

It's a shame that not more people have seen Cage, which is perhaps Lou Ferrigno's best role and character in the mentally handicapped Vietnam Vet Billy. Indeed, Cage is problematic in the action world because it is hard to categorize. I mean, not many action films would dare to venture into the world of the mentally handicapped, and 'Cage' can best be described as 'Of Mice and Men' meets 'Bloodsport.'

This was one of those fun, cheesy 80s films I would rent when I was a kid along with the latest Don "the Dragon" Wilson feature or the newest installment of the Tiger Claws movies. The sets are cheap, the action choreography is sloppy, and the whole thing is just freakin' sweet. I don't know what the filmmakers were going for, but I can only guess that they wanted Lou Ferrigno's Billy character to be a positive role model, and gave the world, in effect, it's first mentally handicapped action hero. The story is: Billy and Scott (Reb Brown, who sports pink shirts, tight jeans, and booty shorts a lot here) were in Vietnam together. Billy saves Scott, and gets shot in the head, becoming mentally handicapped. Long story short, years later they are inseparable friends who own a bar, only the bar is jepordized and some shady gangsters want Billy to cage-fight since he's got amazing brute strength.

It's hard to hate on this movie, since even a bad movie honk like myself couldn't laugh at things without feeling like I was going to hell. Ferrigno brings a great humanity to Billy that in another action star's hands might not have worked. I think it's a very warm, compassionate performance, and I give props for that.
However, the fights are terrible, the acting is sub-par, and the stunts are insulting to the normal, intelligent viewer. I loved it. Reb Brown is great here- he's mister nice guy, and goes around happy-go-lucky and cool beans to everything until bad guys start messing with him and Billy- then he goes crazy and starts giving people shotgun blasts to the chest and breaking cage fighter neck.

The cast in Cage is also to be commended- all star top of the line B movie cheese: you got Ferrigno, Reb Brown, Matthias Hues, Al Leong, Al Ruscio, and the man himself, Danny Trejo! All in the same movie! The only guy missing was Don the Dragon Wilson, but he didn't debut in Bloodfist until later in the year. You have probably already seen this if you're a fan of bad action movies. If you haven't- what are you waiting for? I also recommend 'Cage 2: the Arena of Death', which is my personal favorite of the two. It's not on DVD, though- so happy hunting!

HONG KONG DANGEROUS: 'Raped By An Angel' (1993)

'Raped by an Angel' reunites the oh so hot Chingmy Yau with her 'Naked Killer' co-stars Simon Yam and Carry Ng. It's kind of like what Tony Jaa's 'the Protector' was to 'Ong Bak'- it had the same actors in similar roles, but it's not a sequel. In fact, 'Raped by an Angel' spawned a myriad of sequels throughout the 90s in HK.

This movie is typical Category III trash cinema mixed with Wong Jing silliness. This time around, Chingmy Yau plays a beautiful young model doing tv advertisements to put herself through law school. The problem is, she's attracted the affections of a sociopathic lawyer with deviant sexual tastes and a penchant for rape (played by Mark Cheng). The lawyer/rapist becomes obsessed with Yau, and even moves in next door to her and her roommate, played by Carry Ng (who was the rival assassin in 'Naked Killer'). One of my all-time favorite Hong Kong actors, Simon Yam, returns here as well. He's on the opposite side of the tracks now, playing a silly role as an oblivious and over-the-top obnoxious Triad boss who is dating Chingmy and helping her take down the rapist. He's wicked funny, and great in every scene he's in- another nod-nod wink-wink role (his triad character is a movie producer as well; it's well known HK's film industry is heavily infiltrated by Triads). Dennis Chan, who played Xian in the Kickboxer movies, has a few scenes as Chingmy's university professor. It's hard to talk about details of this movie without giving key plot points away; let's just say Chigmy exacts her revenge in a truly tasteless way on the lawyer/rapist- a revenge that involves guys dressed up clown outfits in the rain, bear traps, bathtubs full of acid, and AIDS victims. It really is that bad.

I knew this film was controversial going in. Anything with 'Rape' in the title doesn't go over too well with people. What's lost on those who easily dismiss it is that this movie is ridiculous, childish, and unintentionally over-the-top, and for a Wong Jing production, you can't expect anything less. Sometimes, I even liked this movie better than 'Naked Killer', which is one of my favorite C level HK exploitation flicks ever. It's not as original as its predecessor, but there is lots to mock, and it's obvious this one doesn't take itself nearly as seriously as 'Naked Killer' did. One of the best scenes has to be the part where the rapist, after being taunted by Chingmy doing her little bra and panties dance, is hanging from the ceiling like Michael Keaton in Batman, rocking back and forth, masturbating until he shoots a wad all over the TV. In another scene, he gives Chingmy's character-who has just finished vacuuming in her bra and panties- a life-size clown doll. Just gross, silly shit like that. Yes, this movie is in extremely bad taste. Make no bones about it. You should know what you're in for and don't expect much out of it. If you watch it in the right state of mind and realize it's a retarded, immature mess of a movie and that's why it's brilliant, you'll like it.

'Hard Gun' (1996)- No, not a porno, an old movie with Tony Jaa

This film is just as bad as the reviews have made it out to be- and more. Also, everything in the synopsis is pretty much a lie. Tony Jaa IS in this movie, Panna Rittikrai IS in this movie, but Jaa has a bit part as a lackey to the head bad guy (and he's in this for maybe 15 minutes tops, anyway), and it is Rittikrai who plays the main villain, he DOES NOT play the cop. Panna handles the fight/stunt sequences (if you can call it that- these scenes look like they were super8 backyard videos you would make with your friends when you were kids or something, hardly the standard of later stuff like 'Born to Fight' or 'Chocolate.' I know Rittikrai was supposed to be a pioneer for Thai action, but gawd), but the director is some dude named Prapon Petchinn, and the main character is played by some guy named Jai Janmulltree.

This is as far from "gritty" and "intense" as you can find. It was made in a simpler time before the fiascos over the past couple of years between Tony Jaa and his mentor and film production company: a time before Jaa was th baddest motherfucker on the planet; hell, a time waayy before he would go live in the forest for months @ a time, abandon his film projects, proclaim that assassins were following him, and ultimately, quit the movie industry to become a monk. Long story short, Rittikrai wants blood because super cop took out his adopted brother in a shootout. There's one action sequence at the beginning, and there's nothing for literally an hour until towards the last 20 minutes or so. The rest is bad Thai comedy, as our hero and his family spend most of their time gambling or playing soccer against the local wife beater and his crew. The tone is uneven at best, but it's definitely not a downer. It's kind of like watching the worst of Wong Jing or Steven Chow, but with nothing to chuckle at and all the charm sucked out and you're just left with utter, head-scratching bullshit.

I know the Thai movie industry was pretty much in its infancy when this movie was made (1996), but this is ridiculous. This movie was made in 1996. You could've fooled me. I thought it was made in 1976, from the wardrobe and look of this movie. The soundtrack was kind of funny- it was a bizarre mix of this instrumental cheesy 80s hair metal and show tunes. I don't know if it's the original Thai score or if the company changed it. Just strange, strange shit and inappropriate.

I really tried to appreciate this for what it was: a selection of the type of movie that inspired Jaa to become an action star, but I couldn't sit through this with a straight face or with my jaw closed. I was just flabbergasted by how cheap and boring it was- and I'm a fan of cheapness as long as its gloriously cheesy and entertaining. This was neither. It was what you would call in Thai, mai weilaa, "a waste of time."

Jaa easily outshines everybody else in this movie in the five minute fight scene he's alloted at the end, but that's not enough to save this from mediocrity and the urge to rather be tied up in a room, sitting through 'Cyborg Soldier' on endless loop with my eyes taped open. Most importantly, everybody in this movie looks gross and stinky. I would've given this half a star, but the title just screams hardcore Steven Geoffreys gay porn (Butt Blazer anyone?), and is perhaps the only bright spot about this massive mai wehlaa. As was the case when Jackie Chan made it back to our shores in the late 90s, Tony Jaa's success has ensured that the many cheap films he had bit parts in back in the 90s will show up here in the states with completely misleading titles, synopses, and attempts by unscrupulous video companies at making out with as much of our cash as possible till we wise up. As long as they're going to be released, I'll sit through them so you don't have to. Some will be better than others, obviously. Stay far away from this and rent the awesome'Ong Bak 2' instead.

'Superfights' (1995)

"Don't take the pills, Jack. They aren't vitamins."
For those who enjoyed the No Retreat, No Surrender and King of the Kickboxers movies, 'Superfights' is another offering from Ng See Yuen's Seasonal Film company. Yes, the same Ng See Yuen who launched Jackie Chan to stardom with 'Snake in Eagle's Shadow' and changed the face of Hollywood stunt choreography with 'the Matrix.'

Directed by Tony Leung (who also helmed the Gary Daniels comedy classic 'Bloodmoon'), this movie introduces us to John Jacob Cody (according to his mother), a kid (or 30 year old man-child, I couldn't tell) who is obsessed with Superfights,' a PPV company that is a cross between pro-wrestling, UFC, and kickboxing. When Jack saves a girl from a bunch of thugs, he becomes an overnight celebrity and is contracted by the Superfights owner (played by Keith Vitali) to be his latest warrior. Little does "All American" Jack Cody know that Superfights is actually a cover for all sorts of illegal activities, including roid-rage, gambling, drugs, and murder. He must stop it before it take him down as well.

Despite how serious the plot sounds (murder, drugs, etc), this movie is as far from serious as you'll get. I had the same problem with 'Bloodmoon,' which was about a serial killer hunted by two cops- except they forgot to mention the serial killer was a kickboxer who dressed up like the Phantom of the opera and the cops did magic tricks. Like all of Seasonal's USA DTV offerings during the late 80s/early 90s, Superfights is a combination of ridiculous acting and set pieces, mixed with the most top notch fight choreography around. If you thought Jason and Scott were bad in the NRNS films, wait til you meet Jack. "Jean Claude Van Dunce" likes to jump up in the air and shout "Woohoo!" at a moments notice, and shout shit at random like "Superfights! YEAH!" and "Bullshit! I'm a great fighter!" There is a truly spectacular homage to Rocky with Jack running through the streets of Philly as random people cheer him on; he runs up the steps, jumps in the air, goes "Yeah!" and freeze frames! Amazing shiznit. Jack is a strange character, because in some scenes, he seems to be more mentally challenged than Jeff Towne, and in others, he's a cocky asshole, saying stuff like "It's time to capitalize on my 15 minutes of fame."

Chuck Jeffreys, the Eddie Murphy look-and-sound alike from 'Bloodmoon,' is here as Superfighter Dark Cloud. He's dressed up in this horrendous rastifarrian/Miss Cleo outfit complete with Hammer parachute pants and likes to throw around his money like a Lil Wayne at a titty bar. Jeffreys truly does the best Eddie Murphy I've ever seen, and I even forgot that he wasn't Eddie Murphy in a few scenes. Seriously though, I think he's Murphy's stunt double in real life.

A really great aspect of this movie is the sexual tension between Jack and his oh-so hot trainer Angel (some bodybuilder chick named Kelly Gallant). This chick was spectacular, because she delivered her lines in this totally unnatural, oversexed way akin to Gina Bellman in Dolph's 'Silent Trigger.' I totally wanna be paddled by a nude baby-oiled her all night long. Despite her throwing herself at him and wanting a trainer/FWB type deal, Jack just never really seems to want to get together with the chick, and he pusses out, which makes him I guess gay as well as borderline retarded. The veiled sexual dialog between the two is great: "this is my favorite vital sign" "that took 30 seconds... Longer than most."

'Superfights' is a dumb, silly movie, make no mistake. But there's much to love- from the most gloriously stupid theme song of all time ("Superfighter! Kick his ass!"); to the old chinese sage dude in a wig who teaches Jack Tai Chi to beat the baddies (he likes to break people's arms and say "Buwshit!"), to the idea that the entire town's news force would show up @ Jack's doorstep mere hours after saving a chick from robbery for no real reason. Wrestling fans will also want to see Rob Van Dam (who is also in 'Bloodmoon,' which has a lot of characters from 'Superfights' in it) do his thang in a couple of brief scenes. The fact that Jack trains with blow up sex dolls in the factory where he works as a box boy; the Vince McMahon-ish promotor who has fighters so roided up he has to take them down with tranquilzer guns. All amazing cinematic moments. There are also a myriad of instantly classic quotes- from Jack's retarded shouts to my personal fav: "Don't take the pills, Jack, they aren't vitamins." Another great scene is when all the superfighters are in the gym together pumping their guns and shit and getting all roided out. Just a great, bad movie.

I think if you want to laugh your ass off for 90 minutes, you can't go wrong with 'Superfights.' I also recommend the No Retreat No Surrender sequels (2 and 3 especially) and King of the Kickboxers 2: American Shaolin (which has the greatest Shaolin monks doing air guitar scene in history). They all have really great fights, and equally atrocious, but laughable, stories and leading men. As an aside, I was also flabbergasted that they gave this a commentary with the producer and Jeffreys. It was very informative and funny, but it just makes me disappointed they can't do this shit for, say, 'Kickboxer 4' or 'American Ninja 2.'

DUDAPALOOZA: Chain of Command' (1994)

DUDAPALOOZA is pretty self-explanitory- along with the other three semi-regular movie features I've added, this one will highlight my love for the cinematic output of one of the all-time greats of 80s action cinema: Michael Dudikoff. We start off with what I consider one of Dud's weaker films, but I will eventually try to get to all of them.

'Chain of Command' is the last gasp of the once great empire of Cannon films. This movie is part thriller/part excuse for Dudikoff to mow down a bunch of bad guys with an M16. Like 'the Human Shield,' 'Chain of Command' has a very convoluted plot that reflects the period of time in which it was made (post-Gulf war) than anything else.

Dudikoff is back, and gives a great send-off to the Cannon B movie as Merrill Ross (another great name up there with Lawson Markman and Sonny McClane), an ex special forces guy-turned big oil advisor. I thought Dudikoff was fantastic in this. Every other word out of his mouth is a curse word and his faces are in full effect here. He plays this character pretty humorously, and that's welcome, given the atrocious script. As always, the Dudikoff gives a great, reliable performance in a film that would otherwise be unbearable without him.

Maya, the chick in this- who's supposed to be a Mosad agent or something- is so damned hot. She's played by Keren Tishman, and I don't think she's been in anything else besides this movie, at least according to IMDB. Maybe this movie will make a huge resurgence and she'll make a comeback, but I doubt it. In one scene, she's all sweaty, chained down to a pool table by the baddie. Hot stuff.

This movie also had the best simulated dialogued "sex scenes with clothes on between two people" since 'Enter the Ninja.' It was priceless: Dudikoff tells Mya, "I should've know you were playing me like a flute" and "how's your hand-to-hand combat?" "You outweigh me." Another scene has the chick stoking a handgun while Dudikoff stands over on the bed, then she removes his towel and the camera cuts to the floor. She and Dudikoff have good chemistry together; they spend most of the film nagging at each other like an old married couple.

If he had been in this a little more, the baddie Rawlings (played to perfection by Todd Curtis) would rank among my top villains of all time just for his sweet mullet. I haven't seen a mullet so sweet since 'Stone Cold' really. I didn't know if he was supposed to be a reflection of post-Gulf War paranoia or a roadie for Dokken. It just adds to the magic that every time he's shown, there is bad 80s hair metal on in the background. He's not so hammy that it's unbelievable he's a match for Dudikoff like Mark Hammil, and he not a slouch either. So we get a pretty even match up for Duds to throw down with. In one great scene, he chases Dudikoff up and down a hotel while totally inappropriate cheesy synthesizer music played- I guess the 80s never really ended for Cannon. It was simply amazing.

Watching this alongside the similarly themed 'The Human Shield,' I couldn't help but feel that Cannon were searching for the next big boogeyman a la the Communists or Libyan terrorists for their all-American hero Dudikoff to fight. I really don't think they were that successful in either movie. The terrorist stereotypes in this and the aforementioned 'Human Shield' are just as caricatured as the baddies of 'Invasion USA' or 'Delta Force,' but it was obviously a different time, and Cannon were behind.

Despite the myriad of problems with the plot and score, I really enjoyed this overall. Be warned that if you're not invested in paying attention to this, you WILL be lost- it is difficult to keep track of who's the good guy and who's the bad guy-, so prepare for a bit more twists and turns than you're used to in similar B movie fare (think 'Hidden Agenda' convoluted). I'm a fan of plot-twists, but I think in cases like this, it comes off as a B-movie writer trying to prove how clever he is.

If you're a big fan of Dudikoff, you've already seen this. Our boy is damn good here, and the sight of seeing him mow down bad guys with two M16s for no real reason or advancing of the story is always a sight to behold. If you're not initiated into the arcane charms of the Michael Dudikoff B movie, you may enjoy it for the hilarity of the bad guy's mullet and Dudikoff's potty mouth. I'd also say this is probably one you'd want to wait until later to watch if you're just starting out with Dudikoff post-American Ninja. You'd probably be better off watching 'Cyber Jack' or 'Moving Target' first.